Does the Force Exist?

Cletus Jackson
San Antonio Gazette Staff Writer

SAN ANTONIO- Earlier this week, twenty one year old Adam Smith was arrested for trespassing, battery, resisting arrest, assaulting police officers, and damaging city property. I’m sure you’re wondering how he did all that? Mr. Smith’s adventure started at the Walmart off of 410 and Jones Maltsberger. Adam Smith or should we say Sith Lord Smith purchased two red plastic light sabers around 4 P.M. He then proceeded to open the plastic toys and brandish them at Walmart security. Not threatened, the elderly veteran door greeter, politely asked him to leave. It is at this time that Sith Lord Adam became violent and angry that his power and mastery of the force was ignored. He then assaulted 65 year old Jesus Rodriguez with the plastic light sabers until fellow Walmart employees could assist in throwing the deranged “Sith Lord” out of the building. The police were called and Mr. Smith was told the police were on their way. The 21 year old deranged lunatic then began to rush an elderly couple outside of the store and attempted to thrash them with his light sabers. He had delivered two or three blows to the elderly man’s head when police arrived. Officer Lee and Officer Garcia immediately drew their tasers and ordered Mr. Smith to stand down. “Sith Lord Smith” then began screaming, “Come Jedi’s, I shall show you the dark side is stronger” before launching himself at the officers. Incredibly, the young “Sith Lord” was able to batter Officer Lee’s taser shot away from his body effortlessly. “Sith Lord Smith” then delivered a smash with his light saber butt to disable Officer Garcia’s taser.

The officers radioed for backup and the two officers attempted to grab the suspect and disarm him. Their efforts proved fruitless however until help arrived. As six more officers entered the fray, it was apparent to Adam Smith that the forces of good had aligned to stop his fiendish plans. According to cops he entered a meditative stance before rushing one of the new squad cars. Apparently, the “Sith Lord” was attempting to knock out the officers before they could exit the vehicle. The dark side was able to deliver a double slash to Officer Brown’s taser as he was pulling it from it’s sheath. The taser hit the ground and shattered. As our deranged shopper was preparing to thwack Officer Brown repeatedly about the head, Officer Howard was able to deliver a stunning blow from his own taser from behind. The Sith Lord immediately convulsed at the shock and dropped his weapons.

Police then tackled him to the pavement and cuffed him. He is being held without bail until police can determine he is of sound mind and not a further liability to the citizenry of our beloved San Antonio.

Once again I ask my readers to ponder how events like this could be anything but a sign that the end times are coming!